just to be with You.

So make my greatest desires to know and follow after your truth. Just to be with you. Oh, just to be with you.

Sometimes I wonder- in the midst of painful circumstances- if I am of any use to God and to others. Oftentimes it is a feeling of being needy because things aren’t so easy, or a fear of having to rely on people and let them actually help me through something. I find myself listening to the untruth of failure or having a lack of purpose. But can’t we follow after the Lord, and in the midst of troubles (because yes, we all know they will come and go) still be used by him? Why do I struggle believing that?

This book by Margaret Feinberg, called Scouting the Divine is phenomenal. And as I read and re-read quotes throughout this book, I am reminded that God chooses to use me and speak to me in all circumstances- trials, joys, adventures, unknowns- everything.

I was taken that the sandy and rocky areas of the land were still productive on some level. All too often I look at those rugged areas in my own life and think nothing good can come from them.

More than anything I want to seek the Lord, to be with the Lord, to know the Lord more and more- but sometimes the trials in life cause us to rethink things, to question what is comfortable to us, to ask questions we have never even thought of, and to seek out answers that might comfort us during the pain. Just to be with the Lord. Does anyone else want that? I do. And I mean in the tangible, “lets sit on a couch with a cup of coffee and share stories, share life, and listen to the heart of my Creator” kind of way. One day, we will have that. We will. But until then, we are continually pointed back to his word, his spirit in us, and his spirit in those around us. That is a fun adventure- seeking after the Lord, the greatest Mystery on this earth- and seeking some of life’s greatest answers.

While the stony areas in my life not compare in outward productivity, there is no area of my life that is above (or below) the potential for redemption, restoration, or use by God.

Who am I to think that God can’t use me based on what I am going through? Who am I to limit God in my thinking, to expect less of Him, and to minimize his heart? He wants to use me in every situation I find myself- and I want to let him. But I need to be reminded of that. If we spend too much time thinking about the perfect fruit we wish we were producing, we miss out on the shaping process and the refining process which ends up producing better and better fruit each time. I don’t want to miss that process. And I know that trials and these painful times in life are all a part of that process. So I continue to trust.

Though my faith may be weak- at times, nonexistent- God is still preparing the soil of my heart for greater things.

What an amazing promise. The soil of my heart. What a beautiful picture. I absolutely love thinking about God making me into something better, something brighter, sweeter, and more useful. So in the midst of all that is going on around us, we have the potential to be used and grown- and we don’t have to be perfect for that. We don’t even have to be close to perfect 🙂 As far from that as I am, God still promises to use me. That is something I do not deserve and that is hard to accept, but I continue moving forward on this journey- one step at a time.


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